a journey through the Pacific

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Went swimming today. * Tired & partially chao ta*
Just wanna share something that i came across today.

Version 2 of NKF Saga.
(Note: Excuse the poor grammer usage & occasional use of expletives by the author)

Clerk: Hear me hear me. Judge is in the house. All rise.
Everyone rise

Judge: So which case am I presiding today?
Clerk: Your honour, please refer to case #234, NKF's defamation suit against SPH.
Judge: Sounds exciting. Will the defending counsel like to proceed?
Counsel Singh: Your honour, I will like to call the plaintiff Mr TT Durai to the stand.
Mr Durai approaches the stand.

Clerk: Mr Durai, will you please place your right hand on the Bible and do solemnly swear?
Counsel Khoo: OBJECTION your honour! My client is a hindu.
Judge: Who cares
Everyone laugh

Judge: Joking lah. Objection sustained.
The bible is promptly replaced with a set of Hindu scriptures.

Clerk: Mr Durai, will you place your right hand on the scriptures and do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the god damn truth, god dammit.
Durai: I do.
Clerk: You may now kiss the bride.
Everyone laugh again.

Judge: * Wiping tears from his eyes * Oh man, this joke never fail to crack me up. Well done clerk. Counsel Singh, you may carry on.
Counsel Singh: Mr Durai, have you at any point of time installed a gold-plated tap in your bathroom?
Durai: No I didn't
Counsel Singh: LIAR YOUR HONOUR! HE'S A LIAR!
Judge: * Startled * Ni nabeh. You nearly make me pee in my pants.
Counsel Singh: Pardon my sudden outburst your honour. I would next like to call upon a witness, Ms Yati Sudoharto, maid of the plaintiff.
A gangly woman approaches the stand.

Counsel Singh: Ms Yati, while you were cleaning Mr TT Durai's office, do you happen to notice a gold-plated tap installed in his bathroom?
Yati: Apa ini?
Counsel Singh: Nice one Yati. Trying to play dumb with me is it?
Yati: Apa?
Counsel Singh: Apa indeed Ms Yati. But you don't fool me one bit.
Yati: Apa apa?
Counsel Singh: If you apa one more time Yati, I'm going to shove your apa up your ass and then it will really be apa ini for you. Ya hear me. Let me ask you again, did you or did you not see a gold-plated tap installed in Mr Durai's bathroom while you were cleaning his office?

Long silence.

Counsel Singh: Come on Yati, no one can help you now. Why don't you just spit it out?
Yati spits on the floor.

Counsel Singh: Kaninah. I don't mean this kind of spit lah.
The whole room erupted with laughter.

Counsel Singh: Yati, if you still avoid the question, the court will have no choice but to send you back to Bandah Aceh and we all know what Aceh is like right now don't we? Hur hur.
Yati: You bad person. Yati no like you.
Counsel Singh: Like I care Yati, like I care. One last time Yati. Did you see a gold-plated tap installed in Mr Durai’s bathroom while you were cleaning his office?
Yati: Yah lah.
Counsel Singh: Ah ha! * looking damn smug * What do you say to that now Mr Durai?
Counsel Khoo: OBJECTION your honour. Counsel Singh is showing off.
Judge: Overruled. Being MM Lee's personal lawyer, it's only right that we allow Counsel Singh to show off once in a while. Counsel Singh please carry on.
Counsel Singh: Thank you your honour. Mr Durai, will it now occur to you that your defamation suit against my client now appears to be ill conceived?
Durai: Damn you Singh. Damn you and your turban.
Counsel Singh: Your honour, to 'kill off' this case, I like to call upon my next witness. He's none other than (long pause for dramatic effect) " The Contractor".
The whole room goes Ooooooooo. Some even soil their pants.
An Ah Pek approaches the stand.

Counsel Singh: Mr contractor, am I correct to say that you are the one responsible in installing the tap?
Contractor: Ha nah.
Counsel Singh: Were you asked to install the gold-plated tap in Mr Durai's bathroom?
Contractor: Si lah. That An Neh said he only want the best and he told me to install the gold one from the catalog loh.
Durai: * looking agitated * Ok dammit. We did install a gold-plated tap. There I admit it. But I see nothing wrong with it. It was entirely within the guidelines and regulations of the board. Everything that was done was above board.
Counsel Singh: You know Mr Durai, with regards to what you just said, we Sikhs have a old saying, " Milakum nahbahsoli Krisnatham". It means " What a pile of bullshit".

Counsel Khoo: OBJECTION your honour. Counsel Singh is insulting my client.
Judge: Overruled. Not only is Counsel Singh allowed to show off, but he is also entitled to make sarcastic insults now and then. No choice. MM Lee's personal lawyer mah.
Counsel Singh: Thank you your honour. With the testimonies of the two witnesses, we can safely conclude that the article in question, which was printed by my client, has in no way defame Mr Durai in any capacity but was simply reporting and conveying the facts to its readers. Facts which we have already proven in this court. As such, I would like to end the session now and throw out this suit not only because of its ridiculousness but also because I'm getting hungry.

Counsel Khoo: OBJECTION your honour. I haven't had my turn yet.
Judge: Objection my ass. I'm getting hungry too. Let's adjourn for makan before resuming the session.
Clerk: Hear me hear me. The judge is leaving for makan. All rise.
Everyone boh hew the clerk.

Posted by PC @10:56 PM | 0 comments